Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I spent all morning waiting on my laminate flooring only to learn of a miscommunication and now I won’t get it till tomorrow morning and it is so irritating. I wasted three hours of my life sitting around.

I had to remember my anger management/IOP skills for anger and supreme irritation. Sometimes therapy feels like a whole bunch of grasping at straws, every skill is like that. Distraction, building mastery and positive experiences, attending to relationships, distress tolerance, whatever there is to grab onto…

Drove home steaming. I just tried to counsel myself and move on into bed. Said to myself what I said that night I no-call/no-showed at work – what’s done is done. It was so late I couldn’t even take my sleep meds! And there were other things I wanted to do, like clean my car and practice my new song, Rhianna’s Love on the Brain. It isn’t that hard to sing. But it does have style and attitude. I want to have it ready to try out at a karaoke bar by next week or so.

Singing is more than just grasping at straws. Like water, it releases endorphins in me and is rather exhilarating while relaxing at the same time. I feel whole, complete, if I sing a song really well I practiced extensively. I confess, I really enjoy the rush of a song well sung. People look, they get into it. I’ve been recorded, I’ve had reactions in karaoke bars that surprised me. And that is so enjoyable. Maybe I’ll figure out how to post a video or recording of my singing.

My strongest songs are Sing for Absolution (Muse), I Dreamed a Dream, Hallelujah, On My Own, and My Heart Will Go On. At Last (Etta James) is coming along really well. That one is also not so difficult to sing. I’m a soprano and I have a four octave range. I’ve been making myself go to the karaoke bar down the street from my apartment and practicing with people. I’m not shy, it’s just hard to force myself to go out and be around them. I deal with patients and people all week. But I really like the bar. They have really good pizza and it’s a true karaoke bar – karaoke every night of the week. Clearly I do not have much of a life. Especially after starting grad school in July. I will be especially sequestered when not at work.

I can hear Dr Black now – “you don’t think this is too much? Two jobs and grad school? When will you sleep? How will you make time to feed yourself properly?” Etc., etc… I’m still stubbornly determined to try. My charge nurse said to avoid at all cost my most fatal mistake, the mistake I made last time I tried school – believing I can’t do it before I’ve tried. But that was also right before the second time I was in the VA psych ward for severe depression and maybe a little alcohol withdrawal. I’d got arrested for DUI that winter quarter. By the end, I was done.

But I have a really good feeling about this. I think it will be particularly interesting in light of an oligarchic takeover.

I have to try. I can’t just sit still.