Documenting my journey through the mental health system

More psych patients – on a nephrology floor.

He tried to hang myself, like I tried to do ten years ago. Family found him, he was intubated, and then extubated, and is waiting on being medically cleared to the psych unit. He’s a 1:1 for safety.

I’ve noticed my new coworkers don’t make me sit with patients a lot. Whether it’s because they’re in locking restraints, or a suicide watch – I am frequently spared this badly triggering duty. I don’t know if that’s by design or if they know something I don’t know that they know. I do know I’m much more useful on the floor – there is a whole hallway of patients. We have 33 beds total.

I had to sit with a suicidal patient while the main sitter took a lunch break. It’s not like the patient was difficult or anything like that – it’s just hard for me to do a job that was once done on me. I’ve been closely monitored by nurses and CNAs several times in my life with bipolar and severe depression. Coming off recent suicide attempts, actively planning it, or otherwise unable to keep myself safe, I’ve been in these restrictive situations and I’m obsessing over it lately. I’m bombarded with so many reminders and triggers and PATIENTS with the same things going on that I had going on. And very well may again.

I question my life choices all the time. I always wanted to work in healthcare, but does everything have to trigger the fuck out of my PTSD??