Documenting my journey through the mental health system

As I sit with a schizophrenic patient in the same locking restraints in which I found myself not that long ago, I feel a tiredness I haven’t felt in a long time.

To be sure, I didn’t think I could do this, I really didn’t. I’m still not sure how I am, other than white knuckling through it and straight up dissociating. My physical body stays present but the rest of me leaves. I go through motions, and stop thinking like a robot, to protect myself. And I wonder, again – how did I end up here?

Just driving here tonight I felt worn out. The way here requires that I drive by the mental hospital and that alone is very triggering for me. I’ve gotten better at it, I breathe through it, but it still sucks and now is starting to feel like a harbinger of what I can expect on my new floor.

And why is this patient here? This isn’t the mental hospital. This is a nephrology floor. We are getting a lot of psych patients, and I am not a psych CNA. God no, am I ever NOT THAT.

At least I work nights. He’s asleep, and all I have to do is chart something every 15 minutes for the next hour I’m here, covering the sitter’s lunch. Sitting in here all night would be torture for me, just as it is to him.

I have the rest of the floor all to myself. It’s about 26 patients tonight. Sounds bad to some but I would rather run around like crazy than sit with a single patient. I have a tough enough time with restlessness and anxiety as it is.