Documenting my journey through the mental health system

My mood is so intensely labile. I spend nights at work cracking bad jokes, riffing on everyone around me and generally being quite ornery. I spend days often staring into space, at the wall, or overcome with sadness. But at least that’s better than doomscrolling, right?

I swing like a pendulum and I have to white knuckle that ride. They call it a roller coaster but I sometimes see it more as a speedway and I’m careening around the track, barely holding on, barely avoiding a wreck…until I can’t.

I’m really trying not do be all doom and gloom. There are a lot of reasons to be. But there’s literally nothing I can do about pretty much anything. So I have the few things I do hold onto, like my house and couple friends and work. I haven’t been laid off yet! The VA is even hiring some sterile processing and nursing positions. So much for the federal hiring freeze. VHA directives listed my occupation and most all the occupations at the VA as “mission critical” so for now, I still have a job. I still have my testosterone. Pride flags are banned but at least I have my testosterone, for now.

I cleared out a lot of the stuff in my room at the house. It’s still in my car, it’s all going to Goodwill. I have a few more things to get out of the room in time for painting in a week and a half and carpet as soon as possible after. I am absolutely dreading that job. I’m not doing it, I’m hiring installers, but it will be like pulling teeth to get my mom to cooperate without arguing about everything the entire time. Her room will need to be emptied out as well.

I’m forcing myself to laugh at a lot. For example, I think it’s absolutely hilarious that the brain worm guy is now our health secretary. That’s like an episode of Mad TV right there.

Musk and his dudebros have just about taken the IRS, which isn’t funny at all. Sometimes it is hard to find the funny in things. It is unbelievable to me that anyone for an instant would think Musk is in any way, shape, or form interested only in helping the American people. People can’t possibly be that naïve. Rich people don’t give a fuck about you; the richest man on Earth certainly has no interest in the public good, and in fact, will do anything to shore up more wealth and hold onto it for dear life. If people really think Musk’s intentions are benevolent, I have a river in Egypt to sell them. Even if his intentions were pure, I don’t give a fuck, I didn’t vote for the bastard.

I used to think another Trump presidency was horrifying. It is, but somehow he’s become only a useful idiot to Musk, the unelected but actual leader of the US. This all reminds me of a Mad TV skit for some reason. Musk himself is a perfect caricature of an Inspector Gadget style villain and Trump is the bumbling buffoon at his side.