Documenting my journey through the mental health system

It’s Monday and feels so strange because it’s the first Monday in three months I don’t have IOP or an appointment with Dr Black.

I’ve been working on – at least in my mind – my house. In my mind I plan all kinds of plans and on my phone I do all kinds of shopping. I haven’t bought anything yet but I have picked out a coffee table, new light fixtures, and a corner fireplace. Buying new furniture is really the last step but I do it now because I can, it’s easy from a phone. The actual next step is painting my room. After that, replacing the carpet. Then it’s a simple matter of hauling a bunch of shit away while hauling my new shit in. And my mother, kicking and screaming the whole way through it for no good reason at all.

But I’m making better choices – I choose not to care. Ceila stresses the importance of all I learned about boundaries and maintaining them. My mother isn’t really someone with which you can set boundaries. She simply doesn’t respond or expertly spins it back on you as though you’re abusing her. Her manipulation tactics are advanced. So for me it is plowing ahead regardless, sticking to the goals I set, and never reacting to her bullshit. Living with her will be bad enough, I’m fortifying my defenses now.

I told her Friday there are going to be a lot of changes. That I am taking my house back. That’s it’s my work, remember? That she can’t have her cake and eat it too. She likes to complain she has no help while also complaining if you do help. She doesn’t realize it, but soon all sources of her complaints are going to be eliminated, leaving her scrambling for more ammo.

I haven’t heard any voices in weeks. I take my medications religiously. I write every day, and my coworker got me a new journal.

I have time after work I have not had in awhile. I’m going over to the house after work, I’m going to take down the tree and other shit I put up over Thanksgiving while she was out of town. Then I still have time to kill and will get to bed early (I hope).