Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I’m trying not to live in the past. I know I bring it up a lot, these flashbacks. I can’t help it. The memories are powerful and paralyzing. 10 years ago…even those memories are powerful and immobilizing. I’m not sure how to move on. I got out two months ago and sometimes it’s like it just happened, or is happening right now.

I can still feel myself screaming and begging, begging to be let go. I can still feel the terror I felt as I was strapped down. I still have powerful urges to get away. I still feel myself crying and begging please, don’t do this to me. I still feel the burn in my wrists and ankles as I pulled and struggled. I still feel the heightened paranoia, the very real feeling that something terrible was going to happen to me. The voices screaming in my head. I feel it all right now. Begging please don’t do this to me. please I’m begging you don’t do this to me. I can still feel the red hot fear. Crying and crying to the point I am almost going to be sick… when does this end? How do I deal with constantly being taken back there?