Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Flashbacks are strong today. I can still feel the police grabbing me, pulling me out of my apartment and I can still feel the panic I felt in the ER, the overwhelming desire to run, and doing so. I can still feel the straps around my wrists and ankles when they strapped me down. It’s very difficult to have a normal day sometimes, when my thoughts are so hijacked.

I’ve finished two weeks of IOP now. I attend in person every time, even though zoom is an option. I’m not sure how to do it anyway. I prefer to be there even though I am so quiet. I said to my check in sheet that I used a lot of music to cope. Someone asked me what music I like, and I answered I’ve been listening to a lot of the Broken View. I did not mention that I am learning to sing the Broken View’s song, Something Better. It got me thinking – I have a strong mental illness playlist. It’s not music that would necessarily make you feel better or uplift you. Sometimes it’s just the despair of nihilistic and existential depression summed up in a song, like Dark Rooms’ I Get Overwhelmed, featured in that most excellent movie, A Ghost Story.

In group we finished out one of the four modules to DBT – interpersonal effectiveness. The therapist then had us talk about love languages and we filled out an assessment that helps determine our specific love language. I was tied between acts of service and quality time. Some people had words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifts, but those all ranked low to me. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex – assuming my meds let me cum – but I don’t need it for showing love. It occurred to me – I don’t feel much love at all. I have never even been in a serious romantic relationship. But when it comes to a few close friends, quality time is the most important. I just want to hang out. Sex is purely physical, a hormonal and physical drive like food or taking a shit. And I definitely don’t like hugs or unwanted touch. My personal bubble is wide, and compliments make me uncomfortable.

I’ve had labs done every week for the last month. In the hospital, my testosterone was found to be off the charts. Normal free testosterone levels are around 0-100, mine were over 1500. This explains my insatiable libido despite medication commonly known to kill sex drive. The doctor is tracking the highs and lows of my testosterone to consider medication that would even it out. Great, more meds.

I have little to say right now. I want to continue telling my story of my 2023 hospitalization but I need to sit with these flashbacks and try to find distractions and coping mechanisms. I have an article from NAMI I am going to share about the adverse events (AEs) psychiatric patients experience in emergency rooms, as has happened to me multiple times.

I am in a lot of pain. I need a PRN and a nap.