Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I have struggled with med compliance. I missed a few days. Not in a row, but it still fucked with my mood. Every time I think I can ease up, I’ll be fine, it’s no big deal…I can’t. I come crawling back, and I hate it.

They’re a production in and of themselves. I could spend time each week loading a pill box. I’ve done it before. Right now I take them all after work and there are six bottles. I take them all out one by one and swallow them in a shot. Sometimes I have more to take, like a PRN for anxiety or sleep, like my Ativan and Melatonin. It’s a handful of pills.

There is a lot of pushback against psych meds right now. Doctors have become more hesitant to prescribe, our own health and human services director doesn’t believe in meds or vaccines at all. But I think I need them for survival. I’ve tried to go without. Raw-dogging reality is fucking ridiculous for me. I get manic, I get so depressed I try to kill myself. I hear things. I am a prime example of a chronically mentally ill person who needs meds to function. Sometimes that reality hits me like a slap in the face.