Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I really hate myself sometimes. I worry a lot. I make stupid mistakes I shouldn’t be making. I second guess myself all the time. And I have a brain that breaks apart sometimes.

I put it back together though. A few times. I’ve pieced together a lucrative career out of nurse assisting and owning a rental property. I work so much my doctor is a little concerned and does not want me manic or suicidal again. I take my meds religiously and know fully that without them I cannot function.

I know ups and downs are common. I get that. And I will have bigger ups and deeper downs because of bipolar. The part that’s hardest to live with – because it occurs across my mood spectrum – is the sense of dread and anxiety.

A psych nurse once asked me what I used to cope – the good, the bad, and the ugly. One of the more positive coping skills I have is singing. I am a decent singer and had a lot of years of training and practice. I sing in the classical/operatic style. I’m not much of a music reader, but I joined a choir. It’s part of a music academy. And one thing about choirs is they can help you learn to be good at reading. We will sing at the Fox – a music venue downtown – sometime in April.

I don’t have time for choir. But I carved it into my schedule anyway. I go to practice once a week, before work. I get sleep that day well enough, as choir practice isn’t till 7pm. The teacher asked for suggestions, and I mentioned anything Les Miserables. So, this week she brought Do You Hear the People Sing? And they want me on soprano, but F sharp is usually where I tap out. However, the soprano portion has a G. I don’t know if I can hit that. But I am going to try.

Singing helps. It’s therapeutic. I get a high out of it. A rush. Like its own antidepressant. I’m good at it, so I even like an audience. At least, I’m not bothered by the presence of one. I’ve done a lot of singing; I have a whole resume of singing experience. I won Military Idol in Fort Hood, qualifying for the finals. That was the coolest thing. I’ve done a lot of choirs, including competition choirs. I had a show at the Garden Party Bar and sang for an hour. I want more.