Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Heavy flashbacks tonight. I go back in time, my heart races, I’m flooded with memories that cause physical pain. It’s hard to concentrate. I’m so consumed sometimes. I want to talk to the doctor about it but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know that anything can really be done about it. I take my meds and got a little sleep today, took my nightmare medication, Prazosin. I don’t see the doctor till April but I can always call if I need to see him early…

I’m practicing that gratefulness shit. Sorry for my crassness, it is just that kind of stuff usually makes me cringe. I’m still doing poorly with mindfulness and staying present…but the gratefulness thing actually kind of helps. I remember better things…that I can live independently, I have a job, a car, two houses, and I worked really hard for all of it because at least I had two legs and two feet and a functioning body. Most of my patients are too fucked up for all that.

It is hard, however, to stay present. Mindfulness often robs me of the moment and I have to work hard to bring myself back down to earth. I get lost in the sauce…flashbacks, memories, restless mania.

I may call the doc about it. I may not. First I have to revisit my DBT book, the one I compiled while in IOP after I got out of the mental hospital. Maybe I just need a refresher. Some practice. A night out.

I’m really happy with my house and how much I’ve restored. I think about it every day. The new window and doors, repairs, new paint and flooring and light fixtures and new furniture pieces…it’s all come together really well. Now I spend a lot of time on chores and cats.