Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I work too much. I’m aware of that. But I wouldn’t quit my jobs. Even the Sacred Heart one, in which I may be doing my APE project for grad school. It looms in front of me like a mountain, huge and imposing.

Last night we had a terrible case of squamous cell carcinoma of the face. After diagnosis, it progressed rapidly, eating away his face. He was called “the faceless man” by staff, which wasn’t meant to be demeaning, it’s just a way night shift communicates – in very dark terms. There was no way for him to communicate, no way for him to eat, no face…just a hole where his face should be. All we could do was dope him up on all the pain and anxiety meds we have because somehow, he was still alive. Keep him comfortable. No turning to prevent bedsores, no intravenous fluids, no nothing – just a lot of drugs to stay blessedly warm and unconscious till the very end. We called his family, the doctor, everyone. No one answered until his estranged son picked up at the last minute. He came, but the faceless man had already died.

I am exhausted, yet I shall not sleep. Despite my mother’s chagrin and annoyance, that carpet is coming out tomorrow. I have to clear the room, and my floor restoration specialists will restore the nice pinewood flooring underneath. My house will be virtually fully restored from the neglect of the past couple years. Then I will be able to sleep.

After winter I can get my garage door fixed. Maybe even rip out half my deck. I’ve been meaning to do that for some time. There is also the rental property. It will need a thorough carpet cleaning by spring, especially the upstairs loft. That tenant has a couple cats. I know how life with cats goes. I have 7. But my house doesn’t smell at all. I do a lot of chores. And it revolves around the cats, really – cleaning cat boxes every day, vacuuming, mopping, dusting, washing, etc.

My coffee tastes so good, because it tastes like money. Shit’s expensive. We have good coffee at work and there’s always nice creamer. I don’t drink it black.