Documenting my journey through the mental health system

My mood is fluctuating wildly… I was jittery with energy yesterday and the day before, now I am tired and worried. I don’t even know what I am worried about. I’m preoccupied with school. It looms in front of me like an insurmountable mountain. There is a lot of work stress – the employee morale at the federal level is depressing, annoying, and bizarre all at once. This Trump bullshit is fucking people up.

The doctors and therapists always said take things one day at a time. I’m trying to do that while at the same time staying prepared.

I try to picture much bigger things. Zoom out…we’re on a planet, a giant space rock, arguably quite molten, and flying through the milky way at 828,000km an hour. The Milky Way is moving at about 2 million km an hour. I am consumed, often, with thoughts about the void in which we live. Where is everyone?

Maybe there is only one life-bearing planet per galaxy. And even if we mastered the travel of our galaxy, there’s no way to see another. Even at near light speed, it would take 2 million years to reach the Andromeda galaxy, the nearest one. And time would slow down for you, and millions more years will have passed from that which you left behind.

Time travel into the future is technically possible. It’s all a matter of speed. The faster you go, the more time slows for you. Remember Interstellar? “One hour here is 7 years on earth.” When you go back, millions of years will have passed. Everyone you know and everything there was, gone. Time travel into the future is just that.

There are holes in spacetime. Black holes, that make no sense. The universe may be infinite, and that infinity is expanding. Doesn’t make any sense.

I’m often struck by how simultaneously insignificant and unique we are. Where is everyone else? So many habitable planets. If an advanced civilization was truly advanced, we’d see evidence of that in the galaxy. Or the thing we call “God” is just a civilization so advanced, it would be indistinguishable from a god-like being.

Or we are it. And that would make us quite special. A black hole is not made of very many things, but a human brain is made of complex ingredients. Insignificance would work, if it weren’t so obvious that for now, we are unique. Consciousness is special.

I think this is all a simulation. Reality only seems to be rendered when it’s observed. Superposition – particles seem to exist in multiple states at once, only forming a position once observed by a conscious observer. That is so bizarre to me. But the computational nature of the universe suggests biocentrism is right – consciousness is entwined with the universe and the nature of reality itself. We are like the universe looking upon itself.

Maybe there is no master simulator. Maybe we’re inside a black hole. What the fuck is reality, the base of it? This had a beginning – we hear its echo in the cosmic microwave background. That beginning started with a pinpoint – maybe the singularity to a black hole from another place.

I used to read a lot of books on physics and biocentrism. Some of the math I couldn’t understand, but I tried. I read Stephen Hawking’s a Brief History of Time. I read in Search of Schrodinger’s Cat. All of Neil Degrasse Tyson’s books. And plenty more. Stephen Hawking asserted in his final days that indeed, the multiverse wasn’t only plausible, but probable.

I am spinning with thoughts like these, and I oscillate from thrilling adrenaline rushes to worried despair. I try to focus on work and not taking things too seriously. By morning, I have to force myself to eat something – it’s been a few days because when I get a little manic, I don’t need as much food as other people. I’ve only needed about 4-5 hours of sleep a day too.