Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Now I have to have the discipline to structure and occupy the time I have to myself. By myself. I’ve struggled with this in the past – it’s why I thrived in a military environment and why I work almost every night – I like to have a structure. I respond well to that.

It’s just hard to do to myself. Even on my meds (and I still need to take them today) it is hard to figure out how to plan my day and with what. I have a lot of books I need to read. I am behind on all kinds of movies and shows, I have had a turbulent year and while normally a huge film buff, I haven’t been able to watch a whole movie through with the exception of Terrifier 3 a few months back in theaters.

Why is leisure so difficult? I get so antsy and anxious and lost in my mind. I see flashes of the past and future and sometimes I’m not sure which is which. When I am alone, without some music or background noise to drown it out, my mind gets louder and louder.

I’m gonna force myself to get outside at some point. I might go sing at Monterey. They have good pizza.