Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Last week, my formerly catatonic patient was barely able to stay in bed through the night. This week, I was dismayed to see he was put in soft restraints to keep him in bed.

A person in restraints is a lot of care. I remember this from when I was put in hard restraints in the hospital and spent the night strapped down, deep in psychosis and suicidal. They take your vital signs a lot, check your pants a lot (in case you wet yourself) and someone sits with you the entire time, either in person or with a telesitter. I was the one obtaining a lot of vitals on this patient and he has a telesitter for continuous monitoring. It’s so depressing.

He asked me why he can’t move his hands, and I tried to explain it’s just so he doesn’t fall and hurt himself. Then he made a comment later that “something is very wrong with me.” I tried to be encouraging. Three weeks ago, he wasn’t moving or responding to anything. Now he is awake and talking and eating and I told him this is all really good, that he is getting better.

This is so goddamn triggering for me. I hate seeing it, I hate working with it, I hate being such a pussy about it compared to everyone else. All I do is remember and sometimes feel like a petulant child – it’s not fair!

The reasonable accommodation request is a joke at this point. I’m not going to pursue it.

I have tried to be more open with coworkers and my new nurse manager about it. It’s very hard to talk about. It’s just hard to deal with. If I’m not open about it, no one will understand. If I can’t get people to understand, I don’t know what I will do. I have a weird need to be understood. I also need to be competent at my job.

I really like the new job, it’s very interesting and every night is different. I’m only here two to three nights a week. I’ve been challenged in new ways which is novel after 15 years doing this. I don’t want to give up, but my heart hurts and I’m constantly triggered – by the ER right next to the main entrance, the sight of armed security, DCR people coming to make detainments, and of course the patients in restraints. It’s only been a few months, and these triggers are still powerful. I went through a very traumatic detainment in this very hospital ten years ago and those memories are still fresh. I never forget anything. This dismays me.