Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Sometimes the only things to hold onto are physically within our grasp – my peppermint vodka cocktail, the cat next to me, my new gravity blanket.

I am indulging in the DBT skill that is appreciating the small things – glimmers – or opposites of triggers. I have so many, many triggers. For once I can make the effort to do the cringey thing and ApPrEcIaTe tHe gLiMmErS.

Why is it cringey to you? I am frequently asked – by friends, by therapists, doctors.

It just is. I don’t like soft, touchy feely, feel-good stuff. In movies, in books, or in life. I am extremely sensitive to cringe and sentimentality. I can’t stand romance and kissing. Compliments make me uncomfortable, and I hate to be vulnerable.

Maybe this is why Rylee compelled me to come for my IOP graduation. I was spared the pick-an-animal-and-describe-why-it’s-you exercise, and could recall past graduations in which they “showed them all the love” as Rylee puts it, and I felt uncomfortable on behalf of the person graduating! So many compliments and gushing adoring behavior I can’t stand. I picked the animals, yes, but only because I liked the one I picked. My brain short circuited when trying to link the animal to the person, I could not find an animal that would relate to the person because they just don’t. It just doesn’t compute. So I made my own metaphor – a blue dory fish – because you just keep swimming. A cat – because you’re beautiful. Et cetera.

And so I sit here and try to try it…this drink is good and I have no obligations today until work tonight.

I heard from Rylee the therapist through text, from IOP. She asked if I had heard of “shadow work” before in therapy. I had not. She said it’s “a psychotherapy that helps us be able to safely sit with our parts of ourselves that are uncomfortable and quote unquote negative, a lot of uncovering parts that need healed.” (Emphasis added by me). She encouraged me to ask Dr Black about it. She then asked how I was doing, and I told her I was trying to stay conscious of DBT practices and taking my meds and working a lot and preparing my house. I told her about my book – I mentioned my book several times during processing hour during DBT – and how I was now intimidated by it because it was all one document and not a bunch of tiny pieces.

It was nice to hear from her and I imagine Dr Black will expect my call in the next few weeks for a check-in appointment.

Time to take my meds and work on my favorite DBT skill – build mastery.