Documenting my journey through the mental health system

This is so fucked up. It is happening all over again. I’m trying to face and accept the fact it’s going to keep happening. I have another patient in restraints and this time I had to help restrain him.

I did everything I could to avoid it. For five hours I tried redirection, distraction, calming techniques. He was confused, combative, and desperately wanted to go home. Just like me.

Eventually security had to come and help us change him. Even then, we didn’t resort to restraints. Later when we needed to check his blood sugar, he tried getting out of bed, insisting on leaving. It was at this point I was called in to help as well as a few other staff. I was the only one who seemed to know how they attached to the bed. It’s not lost on me how fucked up that is.

I took a break after all that. My panic wasn’t as severe and the crushing triggers weren’t as overwhelming. I detached again, dissociated away from the present moment, this hospital, this place.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. The accommodation request seems silly now. I don’t want to leave. I like the job. This is nuts though. How does it happen, ending up here? What series of decisions did I make that led me to this?

I’m traumatized by being in restraints, drugged, several times. I’m exposed to it quite frequently here. And I don’t really know what to do.