Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I called back my new unit manager, Jana. She talked to me about the somewhat long process to get a reasonable accommodation, and that in the meantime, it was quite likely there would be patients in restraints and since they’re short staffed, I might be the only aide on the floor. That is the case this coming Wednesday and Thursday night, as the other aide is off for medical leave. She offered to take me off the schedule until the accommodation request was complete, but I said no. I don’t want to give up. She asked if I could demonstrate competency with more time to mentally prepare. I said I would do it.

The job is important to me, and maybe Dr Black is right. “You were agitated and a danger to yourself and needed help to keep safe. Can you accept that?” Maybe a little exposure therapy is something I should do, and lean into the panicky, traumatic feelings. It would require mindfulness, radical acceptance, and reframing. “You have a unique talent where your coworkers do not. You have more in common with your patients than them, and that could be a tremendous strength.”

So maybe she’s right. Maybe it would help the flashbacks. Maybe it would help with the lingering fear, humiliation, and shame.

I opened up to Jana a little about my bipolar disorder and how my life has been shaped by it. I talked a little of my many hospitalizations, and the first time I became ill while in the military. I told her about Dr Black and the idea that maybe if I expose myself slowly and carefully to it, it wouldn’t be so bad.

There was a bipolar patient put on a DCR hold while I was there Saturday night. I relate to that patient way more than my coworkers. I have more in common with patients than I do my coworkers. This is disturbing to me sometimes.

IOP in the morning. I missed Monday and got a text from the therapist asking if I was okay. I texted back that I had a few days of no sleep and a weird sort of psychological break with reality and finally slept early Monday, right through IOP. She encouraged me to use the skills I’d learned so far. She wants to talk with me tomorrow too.