Documenting my journey through the mental health system

All Hallow’s Eve…and patients are off the hook all around me.

The only day I work this week at Sacred Heart – and I’ve got sad cases, chaotic cases, all of it boiling down to the violence of our hyper capitalistic living. What people do to cope is incredible…like the 30-year-old girl dying of liver failure, too much drinking…what a way to cope. And I’ve been there, the drinking and smoking, the suicide attempts, the slow descent into madness and despair.

I don’t know why I want this master’s degree so bad, I just know I want it… really really bad. I’ve tried this before and it ended in catastrophe, despair, suicide attempts, detainment…it wasn’t the sole driving factor, but it was a major trigger. I thought I would never go try again but here we are. Manic whim, I saw the ad for the degree program and jumped without a lot of thought. After next quarter, I’ll be halfway through.

I’m not who I was back then, though. I’ve moved on, the scars are what they are. At least I tell myself I’ve moved on. I’m older, more aware, more stable on medication hahaha.

I have an ambivalent relationship with my meds, my diagnosis, the bipolar insight that comes with stability, medication, a shit ton of therapy. I learned a lot in IOP. I refer to my IOP/DBT book a lot. I’ve tried valiantly to implement it into life. I practice so much gratitude. It helps… I’m a lot better off than a lot of people. I may work 2 jobs, but I can go to grad school, I can work the work, I’m capable. That’s a lot. I also have my VA protection and that added security. At least for now.

It’s so funny…the things for which we can be grateful give rise to their own set of new worries. Mainly…how long can things hold? How long till the collapse comes and the VA is no more? Everyone thinks I’m crazy for my catastrophic thinking but it’s not unreasonable. Maybe I am too stubborn, but I swear I’ve had visions of a future mired in disorganization, conspiracy, and destruction. All of our great institutions, our stability and way of life…crumbling.

Yet I am a federal employee not furloughed, and still getting paid. I’m attempting to document my time as a federal employee who has so far survived the Musk purges, the current shutdown, and the group of federal employees working unpaid. I am still holding out – while paid.

People don’t like it when you fuck with veterans. Or military in general. That cuts across party lines and people get quite riled up at the idea of soldiers and veterans being apparently shafted or mistreated. This idea may be all that’s left holding up an institution surrounded by a sea of crumbling failure.