Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I missed my meds this morning. Oops.

I can’t decide whether to stay home or go out this Halloween. Both options are overwhelming. Home with my mother, who is often plain miserable to be around, or my elaborate costume idea and going to a show to which I’ve been invited. Here is the idea: first off, an epic green gown, sort of Edwardian/Victorian in style. There is a bit of a train. It was 150 bucks off AliExpress. Then the headdress and masquerade mask, that I still have to find at the Halloween store. I really hope they have something. Finally, the piece de resistance, is the battery-operated LED fairy wings…I bought them ages ago for potential use at fairs and in my yard during parties, etc., it was only 10 bucks on Temu. Now they can finally be put to use. The entire outfit has me made out like the mysterious guest at a masquerade ball. And a female character as well. I haven’t done drag in years.

I can feel it, missing one day’s worth of meds. More tired. Less energy. A bigger sense of doom. Whispers of old despair, still lingering deep in my subconscious. I went to therapy – I named it, I dealt with it, I put it away – that thing that’s trying to kill me. It’ll never stop trying to kill me but that’s okay. I’m okay for now. In four hours, I take my meds again anyway.

To combat the dread and despair, I don’t. I don’t try to fight it anymore. I might try to hide it. Or hide from it. This time I just see it. I see it and I don’t react in fear and depression. I am so very blank, hiding behind my mask.