Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I could not sleep today. I took my meds but tossed and turned, images and memories burned into my brain, playing like a bad movie. I had a half dream/half memory of several people wrestling me into a bed and strapping me in. I could feel their needles as they shot me with drugs to make me go to sleep. The PTSD from the times this has happened to me is particularly intense lately.

I have weird nightmares that aren’t exactly memories. I take Prazosin for nightmares, but I still dream. I woke up inside a dream in hospital scrubs and all my own clothes were gone. I was trapped in a little padded room with no windows or doors.

Other bits of dreaming – trying to run from security and getting tackled to the floor. Forced to wear the suicide smock for days. I dreamt I was declared gravely disabled and forced to live in a psychiatric residential group home. That was a very weird dream. The despair I felt inside it was so strong, so powerful, that I was completely suicidal in this dream. I attempted suicide in the dream after it seemed I lost everything and finally succeeded.