Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I have agonized over this post, and how to write it, since I started the blog back in August (2024).

It never seemed relevant. I hoped it wouldn’t be relevant. But if I can’t discuss it here, I might as well stop writing.

I’m a trans man. I was born female. I served in the army after high school as a female and began transitioning in 2007 when I got out. I’ve been a man and feel utterly comfortable with who I am since I was able to be it. I always knew it was one of the wiser things I ever did, rather than fight it. I’ve been on testosterone since 2017, through the VA. They’ve taken excellent care of me and my testosterone is managed by a clinical pharmacy doctor with an emphasis in LGBT care. I haven’t had any surgery but someday I will get top surgery. I pass exceedingly well, and no one ever questions that I am obviously a man.

All of my documents are changed – my ID, passport. My VA medical records reflect my status.

I’ve left clues throughout this blog. I was raped in the army. My testosterone levels were sky high when I was locked in the mental hospital because my shot was due during the long two and a half days I was locked in the little room in the psych ER – and they gave it to me when I said I needed it. I had to switch my testosterone amount and method. I used to draw up and self-inject every two weeks but that contributed to spikes and lows in my mood and allowed the medication to build up over time. I take less and I take it weekly through an auto-injector into the stomach now. It’s so convenient and it really does allow my bipolar meds to work better, they’re not having to fight spikes in my testosterone count.

I saw my provider yesterday. She is awesome and was near tears when we started talking about the harsh reality of a new regime under the nutcase-in-chief. I didn’t beat around the bush.

“I want to stockpile it. It’s only a matter of time till trump takes it, and if that’s all he does we’re lucky. God knows the damage he’ll inflict on the VA.”

“I can only send out a box at a time. But if you go back to vials, you could stockpile it because you’re only drawing half a vial at a time and I can send out 4 a month.”

The math worked out. A box of Xyosted was four doses over four weeks but the vials were eight doses a month when I only needed four. I could save them up. But damn, the auto-injector was so convenient. So easy, faster, and more painless. So, I have some hard thinking to do. I’m sticking with the Xyosted for now, but depending on how the war on trans people goes, I may have to switch back and start ordering more than I need as she can send more than I need by vial. I’ve been getting all my needles from work, everything.

We were recently told to remove our pronouns from email signatures. All mentions of pride, black history month, Juneteenth, etc., – are being scrubbed from official DOD and government operations, and people who arrange events surrounding our culture are being fired.

I admit, I thought the pronouns on people’s email signatures were a little weird. I never did it, and I sometimes worried this drew way too much attention to trans people and not in a good way. But it was people’s choice to do it, now there is no choice and the attention, and all its coming damage, is said and done.

I was never “out” in the traditional sense – I don’t proclaim my status and never have except with those very close to me. I’m just a guy. Medically, I am trans, but I am just a guy. When I do come out, like the time I came out to Ceila, people are shocked because I pass so well, and the testosterone has done and continues to do exactly as prescribed.

So, this is my coming out post. I never wanted it to become a central focus of my blog, and it still will not be, but I suppose I can no longer ignore it and I always knew it would come up eventually. It’s not a secret.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared.