Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Build mastery – the art of staying busy with tasks and chores to distract from the ever present sense of dread and fear and anguish.

I’m write sardonically, of course, but it’s true. It’s literally a DBT skill in which you try to exert control over the environment around you, clean yourself up, clean up your life. A chaotic environment is a chaotic mind. This one resonates with me because I already did it when I felt distressed, when I felt anxiety – I like cleaning and organizing things and have been doing this a lot. Especially since I’ll be moving back into my house come June. I rely on this skill a great deal, to an OCD level degree.

I’m slowly going through everything I own and getting rid of a lot. I’ve carted a few bags of stuff to Goodwill. I want to shed a lot, while replacing a lot. I bought a new bed frame – metal – (Princess shredded the old one) as well as a new LED/smart nightstand and LED corner bookshelf. This replaces three older pieces that were worn and outdated. Now I can sell the old nightstand, and the only thing left to actually put together/build is the shelf. Ceila builds all my furniture for me. She’s uncannily good at it. Plus, it gives us an excuse to party and get drunk and enjoy my sweet downtown apartment in the time we have left.

I told my mother yesterday, there’s going to be a lot of changes. Soon I’ll have painters in there, I need that job before the carpet install, and I have that meeting with an installation specialist toward the end of the month. I may have till June to get my house ready for me, but part of building mastery is alleviating the anxiety that comes with a feeling of lack of control. I need to hold onto whatever control I can.