Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I missed work last night, and I am upset with myself. I had one goal, one measly goal, and I got sick and missed work.

I get migraines sometimes. They come on like normal headaches, but they make me feel sick to my stomach. I immediately tried to fight it off – I took ibuprofen, ativan, and tried to lay down. The pain got worse and worse. Then I could feel the nausea bubbling up…I was going to puke so I ran to my bathroom and made it just in time. I have not in the past.

I stumbled over to my medicine cabinet, three shelves of bottles and pills. I searched for the Imitrex – the migraine meds I get from the doctor. I couldn’t find them; I rummaged around while looking through a pinhole of light in one eye and said fuck it and took another ativan with the lunesta sleeping pills.

I laid back down in a cold sweat, shivering and cold but quickly overheating and sweaty again. I could feel my stomach roiling again; I got up and made it to the bathroom a second time, this time puking up what looked like coffee grounds. I just couldn’t hold anything down.

I hoped some of the pills got into my bloodstream before puking them up. It was by this time I had to call off sick. I told the charge nurse I simply feel awful. I had to call an automated sick line too, and leave a message, but I was so fucked up I don’t really remember what I said.

I did eventually fall asleep. If I could have kept the imitrex down it would have put me to sleep and I would have woken up feeling fine and probably made it to work. But when I get migraines, I can’t hold anything down.

This morning I am weak and irritable and worried. I don’t want to make a bad impression. I haven’t even had a chance to rack up sick leave hours.

I was accepted to the graduate program for public health. I haven’t heard back from the FAFSA though, and I will have to make that deal with the devil and borrow at least some money. Assuming that government department even exists anymore.

I am trying to keep busy and distracted from so much irritability and worry. I have been cleaning and organizing and making lists of what to sell and what to keep. I took a fiery hot shower only to still get a cold sweat after. I can hardly sit still.