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This isn’t going to be a pleasant blog. Nor will it carry an overall message of positivity or hope for better mental health. I have no advice. It will instead describe incredible pain, despair, fear, anger, and hopelessness. I will detail my experience in the mental health system and it won’t necessarily be organized, chronological,…
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My sense of burnout is strong. I’m sick of patient care. There, I said it. I have a show coming up next week, that’s the only thing to look forward to right now. The wildfires that tore through my city left a lot of damage and heartbreak. I’m taking part in a fundraiser to benefit…
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Tomorrow is it, my first show in which I sing for the first time in a couple months. My voice seems mostly to be back and I’m finally over the walking pneumonia. I’m singing White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane at the Alice in Wonderland themed Garland Pride and will be in my elaborate purple gown…
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Today – the 19th – is my birthday. I am now 41 years old. They say aging is supposed to mellow you out but I’m as high strung as I always was. Restless, sometimes hypomanic, medicated for bipolar swings, and with great skin. I don’t look my age. I look like I’m in my early…
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I have struggled with med compliance. I missed a few days. Not in a row, but it still fucked with my mood. Every time I think I can ease up, I’ll be fine, it’s no big deal…I can’t. I come crawling back, and I hate it. They’re a production in and of themselves. I could…
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Last night during an abbreviated shift with no patients, I revamped the library/TV room. I tore it apart – reorganizing books, puzzles, games, and coloring books/pencils and putting it all into new places and throwing away a lot of junk. I cleaned the little computer room which is a room inside the library room –…
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I am finally back at work at the VA tonight. We’ve been evacuated because of the fires and the patients are still away at area hospitals and adult family homes. It’s very weird being at work with no patients. My coworker is going to leave early. I might too. I haven’t decided – I burned…
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Two years ago, nearly to the day, I finally got released from the mental hospital. I was very fragile but alive after a suicide attempt and violent detainment involving the police. I’ve been afraid of them ever since. They’re a rotten trigger. I spent three months in the hospital’s intensive outpatient program, or IOP, after…
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The great Spokane fire has burned away a third of the city. The VA, where I work, was evacuated. All my patients are downtown. I’ve been on standby since yesterday. The VA is closed. We are half a mile from the level 3 evac zones. We are surrounded by fire. I live in North Spokane…
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I went to the doctor – pharyngitis, or sore throat that is chronic and severe. They gave me prednisone and Tessalon pills to manage symptoms until I hopefully heal. Unlikely I will perform at Nyne anytime soon, but Garland Pride is August 22. I want to sing so bad. It’s an important coping mechanism for…
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My voice is still gone, and it hurts to swallow. Which sucks. Shows are coming up. I went ahead and agreed to Garland Pride singing and have until the 22nd to get my voice back. I’m calling my doctor when I get off work. There are also shows the 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the…
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Documenting my journey through the mental health system 