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This isn’t going to be a pleasant blog. Nor will it carry an overall message of positivity or hope for better mental health. I have no advice. It will instead describe incredible pain, despair, fear, anger, and hopelessness. I will detail my experience in the mental health system and it won’t necessarily be organized, chronological,…
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I’m smarter than most of the people around me. Besides my mother, who is very intelligent. Besides Ceila, who is also very ghetto fabulous, as she would say. And besides a small handful of a couple other people from the various places I work. I am often surrounded by incompetence. I am frustrated to clean…
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These meds work too well sometimes. Things were pretty bad on depakote, I still ended up in the hospital, but this combination of abilify with lamotrigine makes me have a very flat affect. I look like a robot. Internally I am both depressed and not depressed. Depressed enough to notice that I can’t do anything…
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This place – my site, this blog – attracts no attention. I’m fine with that, I can say whatever I want and very few people will ever even notice. I call this a hypertech society. Hypertech isn’t a word, I made it up. It just feels like a word. And it describes evolution falling behind…
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I settled on a second song. Remember Black Mirror? In particular, the second episode titled 15 Million Merits. It featured a singing contest and the character in the show sang Anyone Who Knows What Love Is, by Irma Thomas. It’s old. And unsettling. Black Mirror would continue to feature the song as an easter egg…
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Mental health is a funny thing. It varies depending on culture and language. There are all these mental disorders in the Western world. I think other cultures have their own version of what poor mental health looks like. Inevitably, there is a breakdown in functioning. Here in the US, a patient may stop their meds,…
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I am running out of time! I need to decide on a second song for the show in less than two weeks! First I will sing Journey to the Past. I’d like a spooky song, something like Sally’s Song, for my second number. But Sally’s Song is too short. Then I was working on Come…
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I forgot my meds today but I’m managing. There’s so much built up in my system that maybe one day of missed meds won’t hit me as hard. Yesterday it occurred to me I don’t know when I’m next supposed to see the doctor. He prescribes them and he won’t cut me off or anything…
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Songs I’m working on: For the October 14th drag show – Come Little Children by Erutan but known by its use in the movie Hocus Pocus. Journey to the Past, by Liz Calloway but known by its use in the movie Anastasia, 1997. NOT a Disney movie. Although I heard Disney now owns it. Besides…
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I’ve been very diligent about taking my meds. They do keep me functioning. There is a lot I have to do, every day. Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed but, on the meds, it doesn’t seem so bad. And some of what I do isn’t work related, something the doctors always said was important. I’m in…
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I sort of feel like I am trying to slog through mud. I’m tired. Everything feels so heavy and difficult. It does not help that I am at work, loaded with around 25 patients because I’m the only CNA. The nurses helped out a lot with vitals but there are a lot of them, and…
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