suicide
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What a wild ride. I always send out a little prayer into the universe, to whoever is listening (probably nothing and nobody) but I do it anyway, hoping for a chill shift. Hoping there’s no one in restraints, a million admits, crazy vitals, and the like. But it has been an interesting and intense shift.…
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Death is on my mind lately. I am surrounded by it. It walks the halls of my hospitals, and I swear I can see the reaper the moment a patient dies. I’ve had two patients die on me this week. I have another circling the drain, but he’s a full code and the family won’t…
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What is it about the labile mood? And how does it affect my bipolar disorder and its manic highs and lows? Sometimes this labile mood presents with intensity and is distressing. It’s almost a daily oscillation when I miss a dose of my mood stabilizer or there are triggers in the environment. It’s not the…
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I’m hearing voices. “No one cares if you live or die.” They just keep saying that. I’m stressed about it. “You will die alone.” What would Dr Black say? Don’t fight it, don’t fight them, play therapist. We all die alone and that’s okay. They don’t listen to me when I say anything. They tell…
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I sang last night and heard a new song I want to learn. It’s challenging with a wide range, and I already know I can do it. The song is Love on the Brain by Rihanna. Normally not my style, but it’s soulful and catchy. A love song and I have never felt love. I…
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The most bizarre feeling – I’ll never get over it – of watching a suicidal patient. That is my role tonight, on my last night before a couple days off. Every time I peek in on him, I’m taken back immediately to the mental hospital, forced to wear an anti-suicide turtle suit, and an aide…
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More psych patients – on a nephrology floor. He tried to hang myself, like I tried to do ten years ago. Family found him, he was intubated, and then extubated, and is waiting on being medically cleared to the psych unit. He’s a 1:1 for safety. I’ve noticed my new coworkers don’t make me sit…
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Well that didn’t take long. At first I was a rock star. I came on the floor and it was a madhouse. There were several call lights at once and an incoming admit. I answered the lights and attempted to seek out the person I was relieving to get a report. The admit came, alcoholic…
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During IOP process hour yesterday morning, I was more forthcoming about my difficulty with depersonalization and dissociation. I go back in time to painful memories, past traumas, the things that give me PTSD and sometimes keep me up at night. I’ve tried to use the coping skills I’ve learned to get through it – grounding,…
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The core of it, the core of so much suffering, aggravation, anxiety, and despair, is the inner critic – that voice inside that tells you how stupid and ugly and unlikable you are, how you never get anything right, how you’ll always be a failure. It’s a shadow that follows you around, no one can…
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 