mental illness
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Friday night dragged on, a nurse or MHT in my room to check me every 5 minutes. Looking into my eyes, saying my name. Writing something on their clipboard. I laid there, staring at the ceiling, waiting for that black hole to swallow me up. I remember lying awake and unable to move for most…
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I told my psychiatrist at my Friday appointment about some of the voices I’ve been hearing. Jack tells me to kill myself. Jackie shows me the 10 dimensions and what they mean. She says not everyone travels to dimension 10. There are beings and entities in all dimensions. We exist in the 3rd – height,…
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I will just lay here and die. That is the last thing I thought as I was put into my suicide blanket after being forced to put on the suicide smock. I will just lay here and wait to die. “Five minute room checks while awake, 15 minute room checks while asleep, and we sweep…
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“How are you feeling, Angel?” “Shitty. I want to die.” “Are you still thinking of suicide?” “All the time.” “Do you feel safe in the hospital?” The morning of my assessment, the next day on a Thursday. The very nurse who took my bedding and shower curtain was conducting it, and it was curiously early.…
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I exist in a sort of dreamland as a result, I think, of a heavy med load. I have distressing flashbacks of struggling mightily in restraints just a month ago in the hospital psychiatric ER. Of them trying to calm me but I screamed and cried, begging them to let me go, I don’t belong…
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I startled awake at 6am on the morning of my first day, July 28, Sunday, as the MHT came into my room. The mental health technician (much like a CNA only not wiping ass like I do) wanted vitals. I looked quite disheveled and was exhausted from poor sleep and severe anxiety at my detention,…
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On July 25, 2024, the police and fire department showed up at my door. Someone called in a welfare check on me. I was pretty drunk, having abruptly left work in the middle of the night the night before, and about to take all my trazodone, ativan, melatonin – every pill I could that would…
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I hear voices sometimes. Two in particular. I call them Jack and Jackie. Jackie is a type of chaotic neutral presence in my head and Jack is a much more chaotic evil. He never says anything pleasant. They have both showed me things, especially Jackie. I will document that in another post. For now I…
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 