mental illness
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I detailed in depth the story of my very recent detainment, violent and traumatic. I’m still dealing with flashbacks and bad dreams. It triggered a lot of other older, terrifying memories of the first time I was detained 10 years ago. That too was violent and traumatic. And I really hoped it would never happen…
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I see my psychologist weekly, and had my appointment with her this morning after my shift. I’ve been back at work three weeks now. I told her how I’ve been doing, how hard I’ve tried to be normal – “You’re not normal. This is the acceptance part of who you are. You’re different, and you’ll…
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An elopement risk sign was added to the outside of the main doors because of my sleepwalking and attempts to get out, futile as they were. I was directed back to bed twice in the night but the second time Jake woke me up in the hall, pushing my shoulder and jumping back in case…
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I have tried to keep busy. Yesterday I saw my supported employment case manager for the first time since before my recent detainment. He is still rather new to me, but I’ve been involved in the supported employment program at the VA for over 10 years now. They helped me get the job I have,…
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I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some…
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Sometimes the dissociation gets so bad I can’t move much or talk or otherwise do anything. Today has been one of those days. I cut back on my drinking, but not today. I spent last night on my back, amongst my new weighted blanket (more on that in a minute) sucked into flashbacks and strange…
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I was sleepwalking every night. But Sunday morning came after I woke in the hall again, startled and confused. Jake took me back to my room and encouraged me to sleep the remaining two hours till vitals. I didn’t think I could but woke up when he came in with the vitals machine and my…
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Pages from the journal I maintained in a desperate bid to hold onto sanity.
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Saturday morning, I took a long overdue shower right after vitals. I wasn’t even allowed to brush my teeth without supervision, and this was no different, but they sat in the room to give me as much privacy as possible. I sat on the floor of the shower, water getting all over the bathroom floor…
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 