mental illness
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Sometimes the dissociation gets so bad I can’t move much or talk or otherwise do anything. Today has been one of those days. I cut back on my drinking, but not today. I spent last night on my back, amongst my new weighted blanket (more on that in a minute) sucked into flashbacks and strange…
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I was sleepwalking every night. But Sunday morning came after I woke in the hall again, startled and confused. Jake took me back to my room and encouraged me to sleep the remaining two hours till vitals. I didn’t think I could but woke up when he came in with the vitals machine and my…
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Pages from the journal I maintained in a desperate bid to hold onto sanity.
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Saturday morning, I took a long overdue shower right after vitals. I wasn’t even allowed to brush my teeth without supervision, and this was no different, but they sat in the room to give me as much privacy as possible. I sat on the floor of the shower, water getting all over the bathroom floor…
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Friday night dragged on, a nurse or MHT in my room to check me every 5 minutes. Looking into my eyes, saying my name. Writing something on their clipboard. I laid there, staring at the ceiling, waiting for that black hole to swallow me up. I remember lying awake and unable to move for most…
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I told my psychiatrist at my Friday appointment about some of the voices I’ve been hearing. Jack tells me to kill myself. Jackie shows me the 10 dimensions and what they mean. She says not everyone travels to dimension 10. There are beings and entities in all dimensions. We exist in the 3rd – height,…
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I will just lay here and die. That is the last thing I thought as I was put into my suicide blanket after being forced to put on the suicide smock. I will just lay here and wait to die. “Five minute room checks while awake, 15 minute room checks while asleep, and we sweep…
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“How are you feeling, Angel?” “Shitty. I want to die.” “Are you still thinking of suicide?” “All the time.” “Do you feel safe in the hospital?” The morning of my assessment, the next day on a Thursday. The very nurse who took my bedding and shower curtain was conducting it, and it was curiously early.…
