DBT
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I moved back into my house Thursday. My mother cancelled the BBQ she was planning because I was moving in. This heavily disappointed my brother as it was also his birthday. I started first thing in the morning, and I was done, movers were gone, by 2pm. I don’t understand why she cancelled. Other than…
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I have a crazy week in store. Tomorrow is the last normal day in my sweet downtown apartment. I’m calling the school because I have questions about my classes and I’ll probably do my laundry. Then I sleep before work and on Wednesday morning I meet the movers who will do a quick inventory –…
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Sometimes I am just floating, going through the motions, not sad or depressed or manic or anything. I exist in a state of melancholy. I use work to cope. I’m working 9 days this week, and I realize 9 days is more than a week but that’s just what it is. If I didn’t have…
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I have kept crazy busy to avoid the anxiety, but the stress of a lot to do with the mental preparation of living with my mother again has my heart beating fast sometimes. I got a carload over there. Started taking stuff over, whatever can fit in my car. Going through the last of my…
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I’ve been visiting my mother at my house daily after work. Subtly stressing how time is rushing by and my move in is fast approaching. We drink a few mimosas. Sometimes I order some breakfast. She looks like hell. So much smoking and drinking. She doesn’t attend to hygiene well, making excuses about being forced…
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Every time I drive to work, I have to drive by the mental hospital. In the beginning, this was a major trigger for me and required I sit for a minute and let the panic dissipate before heading in. So many flashbacks and so much anxiety. Now I drive by and try to reframe it…
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The AC is down at work. Everyone is sweltering. Except for a few cold vets who still ask for warm blankets at night. I don’t mind the heat. It feels nice to me. I have negative associations with the cold, and it reminds me of sterile hospital environments, the psych ward AC chill, and growing…
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I am at a loss on what to say. I’ve felt a powerful sense of blankness and loss of feeling. I’m like a mannequin, or robot. Didn’t make it to work last night. Too much going on, house stuff, work, family stress… I spent most of the day at the house supervising a housecleaner who…
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My house is really coming together. The restored hardwood looks amazing. It even smells good. He still has to add transitions – built in wood “lips” at the transitions from the hall to the bathroom and the hall to the kitchen. Then I’ll be adding the trim – that I already have because I bought…
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I’m hearing voices. “No one cares if you live or die.” They just keep saying that. I’m stressed about it. “You will die alone.” What would Dr Black say? Don’t fight it, don’t fight them, play therapist. We all die alone and that’s okay. They don’t listen to me when I say anything. They tell…
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 