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I’m trying so hard to psych myself up. To get excited at the prospect of using my brain. Of not letting it go to rot. Of doing something that isn’t being a glorified chambermaid. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. I did a lot of therapy and so much thinking over the job I
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I called Dr Black a couple times this week but did not get through and I didn’t leave a message, I always feel stupid when I do. Finally, yesterday I decided to leave a message if she didn’t answer and she didn’t so I rambled into the phone to call me back when she could
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What a painful night. For some reason, nightmares during the day. At work I’m exhausted and surrounded by screaming patients, patients in restraints, staff who need too much from me, and haunted by memories. I’ve tried to focus on work, to distract, anything. The memories come unbidden, untriggered, and then they are exacerbated by that
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A lot of firsts this week. A first week at work back at my house. A first night back at Sacred Heart with a new commute. I drove by the mental hospital as there is no avoiding it and forced myself not to look. Every time, I have to force myself not to look. It’s
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Slowly and methodically, I’m going through my small house and clearing a lot of things out, and cleaning a lot. My mother is not as clean as she thinks she is so it’s been a whole spring cleaning style endeavor. I enjoy it, I can meditate while I do chores and look after the seven
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I moved back into my house Thursday. My mother cancelled the BBQ she was planning because I was moving in. This heavily disappointed my brother as it was also his birthday. I started first thing in the morning, and I was done, movers were gone, by 2pm. I don’t understand why she cancelled. Other than
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I have a crazy week in store. Tomorrow is the last normal day in my sweet downtown apartment. I’m calling the school because I have questions about my classes and I’ll probably do my laundry. Then I sleep before work and on Wednesday morning I meet the movers who will do a quick inventory –
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Sometimes I am just floating, going through the motions, not sad or depressed or manic or anything. I exist in a state of melancholy. I use work to cope. I’m working 9 days this week, and I realize 9 days is more than a week but that’s just what it is. If I didn’t have
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T-minus one week and I’m moving. Well, mostly. The move date is the 19th. I have to call movers in the morning. My brain is a frantic mess of preparation. I keep imagining problems where there may be none. I think of scenarios that haven’t happened, when it comes to living with my mother, and
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Documenting my journey through the mental health system 