Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I did a thing.

A rather major thing. I’ve alluded to it in previous posts, but did not want to say anything here or to anyone for fear of jinxing myself. I am not a superstitious man but I’ve done something I never imagined I’d be able to do again and I didn’t want to talk about it yet.

I applied to graduate school.

The program is an accelerated 14 months and will cost about 20k. It is all online. It is a masters in public health.

The last time I tried a masters, it was social work and I know now that it was all wrong for me. At the time I saw myself as an epic failure, incapable of coming back from it, and everything that happened was a major trigger toward a manic psychotic break that nearly killed me. Took me over a year to put my life back together after that.

So I have a lot of trepidation. I’m already working two jobs and taking care of two houses and my mom. I’m trying to move back home. I have a lot going on.

But an accelerated online program is so easy!! It would be like IOP for a year and a half, as far as the hours needed every day to keep up on the work. I have tried several times and had nearly 100 interviews attempting to get out of my CNA role, which is a dead end role. I thought I was over being motivated and ambitious. I have felt discouraged for so long. I’ve been suicidal over it. So scared of yet more failure, I said I’d never try again. I’m still not very motivated. A lot of the time I don’t even want to read a book or watch a movie, two things I usually really like to do. But with 20k on the line and a potential way out later on, my motivation to complete what I started would become paramount.

I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago. I had a major break last summer but even that was different than the severe paranoia and voices and agitation I was going through in 2014, when I lost my practicum, my standing in the grad school program, everything. Even all my atoms have been replaced.

I can hear Dr Black now – how are you going into this that’s different than the last time?

I’m not sure yet, I’m still thinking about that. I’m still very competitive by nature and will probably develop a little bit of a cutthroat attitude. That was a large part of my downfall the last time I was in a graduate program. I really want to do this but Ceila said it doesn’t have to be thought of as failure/not failure. (My black and white thinking). I can feel my way through. I don’t have to love it. These things are hard to believe. I want to finish what I start and I want to be top of the class. I don’t know that if I fuck it up, if I fail, I won’t spiral.

I want to do it. I’m going for it and put in my application yesterday. Ceila is a recommender, as well as a longtime coworker. There are six start times from March to September and I plan on starting right away. I want to have a good chunk done by the time I am moving back home. I want to avoid starting it after I am home, that is too overwhelming and I have a feeling it’s going to be rough at first. I need the distraction.

I haven’t told anyone except the two people acting as recommenders.

There is another thing I did. Or am trying to finish. The Pat Tillman foundation gives out a fat scholarship every year. It’s for veterans who demonstrate humble leadership and stellar service outside self. I think I’m a good candidate – I served in the army, I’ve been in human services/non profits/government work my whole life, and I’ve even won a past scholarship for volunteer work I did at an LGBT youth center while in undergrad. I’m going for it and have been working on my application essays for a couple days. I only get a few hundred words per essay so I have to be succinct. I plan on applying for more scholarships through the university. I’ve received them in the past – got an honor society scholarship and a David K. Swanson Memorial scholarship. The university I attended for undergrad is the same university I’ll attend for graduate school.

I may be making a rash decision. It’s not like I don’t have time to think about it, however. There are several start times, and the whole thing is designed for working people.

Maybe I have too much energy. I work and work and don’t get tired. I take my meds and I have a strict sleep routine to try to stay even. I know now how important sleep is for me. I second guess myself, a voice lambasting me in my head – what are you thinking?? You’ve been down this road before! Look how that turned out!

But that was then and this is now. A way out.