Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I did something that has nothing to do with managing my bipolar disorder and PTSD. Something that doesn’t have to do with my bitter mother or hospitals or medications or WORK. I went to a ball.

This is the kind of thing I’m supposed to do as part of my therapy and putting my life back together after a traumatic detainment. It’s something Dr Black said was one of my greatest strengths and coping mechanisms – my affinity for the arts. And so when I saw the tickets for it go on sale a couple weeks ago, I asked Ceila to go with me and she readily agreed.

I helped pick the dress she bought and got to basically dress her and get her ready. She is gorgeous, so this was fun for me. I used to do a lot of drag in college, and still have a formidable collection of jewelry, accessories, and makeup. I picked her jewelry, added a brooch to the bodice of her dress, and did her makeup. She looked so fucking beautiful and elegant.

I wore black slacks, a white shirt with french cuffs and blue jeweled cuff links, and a black vest with a really unique bow tie I got off Wish. Remember Wish? I like non-traditional pieces, and this is no traditional piece. I received several compliments on it over the course of the night. I also wore black and white shoes. I kept my headband on. It is like my security blanket.

With the meds I take, sometimes my appetite is poor. Dinner was served which included beef wellington, one of my favorites. I forced myself to eat half of it even though I wasn’t hungry because meat like that just can’t go to waste. The champagne never stopped flowing and the dancing went on for hours. In years past, I used to attend a lot of balls, dances, and even did a few years of murder mystery theater. I can waltz, foxtrot, and do a little west coast swing. I am not a great dancer by any means, but I can lead the way should a lady say yes to a dance with me. And Ceila is a most excellent follower, and knows every touch and cue to follow in my footsteps.

At one point in the night, there was a girl dancing by herself on the dance floor. Ceila and I of course were twirling around and I said, “I should ask her to dance.” I went up to her and offered and she looked thrilled, asking did Ceila mind? We took to the floor and had it mostly to ourselves as I led her in a basic step-one-two of the waltz. She was very tall – 5’11, which is a full 4 inches taller than me. I gripped her hand tightly as I spun her around, afraid my height would not quite accommodate the rotation, but she seemed to understand the tactile cue and gripped me hand back.

Toward the end of the night, Ceila was using the bathroom and I waited outside on a couch for her. The girl I’d asked to dance was at the elevator.

“Hey! Are you heading out?” I asked.

“Yeah! But let me give you my number!”

“Oh sure – okay. What’s your number?” I plugged it into my phone and sent her a quick text with my name.

Later I got some texts from her. She wanted to hang out. Was this girl asking me on a date? So I mentioned that the new Terrifier movie was coming out next month and was sure to be the campiest, goriest yet for Art the Clown fans. But if that’s too much for her, I’ll be at the Garland pub for karaoke after choir on Thursday. She said she would be there. Asked me more questions – what’s my last name, have I been to the Globe nightclub, have I danced at other events like this one, etc. She is a prolific texter. I responded that yes, I have been to the Globe but it’s been years, and I liked dancing at Nyne bar when they’re not doing karaoke. So apparently I have a date with a girl I just met at a ball, but I’m pretty gay.

I’ve had sex with girls, I’ve gone on dates with girls, but I am sexually attracted to men. I don’t seem to be romantically attracted to anyone. It is like I have no real sexual orientation. I have never been in an intimate relationship, with a man or woman. I am not able to love like that. My borderline diagnosis made so much sense in that context. At my IOP assessment they asked if I was straight. I said no, not really, I prefer men. But if a girl wants to go on a date, I am not opposed. I’m not confused, it is just that I’m totally aromantic and have only ever felt sexual attraction if I feel attraction at all, and 99% of that attraction is toward other men.

I was almost a little sad when the night ended. I was winded from dancing and knew I would be sore the next morning. My cheeks were flushed with the glow of a few too many glasses of champagne and I walked with Ceila on my arm back to my downtown apartment building. I was glad to go to bed and relieved I’d forced myself to do something I hadn’t done in a long while.