Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Daily writing prompt

How are you feeling right now?

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I exist in a sort of dreamland as a result, I think, of a heavy med load. I have distressing flashbacks of struggling mightily in restraints just a month ago in the hospital psychiatric ER. Of them trying to calm me but I screamed and cried, begging them to let me go, I don’t belong here!… And eventually being medicated as a chemical restraint. This scene, this nightmare, replays in my mind over and over again. I don’t know what to do about these flashbacks. I see my psychologist in a week. She insists I’m doing much better and was surprised when I went back to work the night before I saw her. Tries to get me to not be so hard on myself, to give myself more credit. But I am often distressed by upsetting recent events and memories. My hospitalizations are closer together, becoming more frequent, and my decompensations are much harder and faster than they used to be. I take more mediation than I used to. I experience more voices and psychosis than I used to. I am anxious about this.

I feel worried, dreamy, and out of it sometimes. I’m trying to do the best I can, one hour at a time, one day at a time. What a cliche. But it is all there is.