mental health
-
While my mother was out of town – a rare occurrence – I took advantage of my time alone. I miss living alone, and spent it working on the house. I got rid of the dining room table I recently acquired – it’s just too big for the space. I got a small two-seater bistro
-
I suppose I see myself as some sort of renaissance man, an eccentric philosopher. I’m a regular Jean Paul Sartre, who argued life is an unwelcome interruption to a peaceful nonexistence. I’m not suicidal right now, but even in manic moments I am reminded of what a dark burden life can be. Everything has to
-
Today is my birthday. I’m 40 years old. I am amazed I’ve made it this far. I never would have imagined I’d make it to 40. But here I am, scarred but alive. My mother made me a special dinner to take to work. We are trying to get along. I’m soaking up this break
-
My brain is churning with thoughts. I have an internal monologue; talking to myself but not out loud. I converse with the voices in my head silently. I’ve finished the first quarter of grad school. Mostly – I talk to one of the teachers in the morning to get more guidance on the eportfolio. Turns
-
I feel like a fool sometimes. Taking on grad school, taking on this other job, moving back into my house. Everything compounds. Everything is a lot. And I have so many intrusive thoughts and feelings. This job. I don’t really need it, but I want it. A sick part of me insists on the exposure
-
My mind is a swirling mess, so many anxious thoughts and visions of the future. So many triggers in my world despite my best efforts to mitigate them, to manage them, and use the therapy, so much therapy. When I want to sleep, I’m wide awake. I take the Gabapentin, Vistaril, Melatonin, sometimes Ativan. Force
-
A year ago today, the cops hauled me out of my apartment, and I was locked up in a mental hospital for a couple weeks. To this day, I still have flashbacks, a lot of anxiety around it, shame around it. I left that apartment and have moved back into my house. Living with my
-
Two weeks complete of grad school. This morning I was nearly in tears, overwhelmed at all of it. Overwhelmed at my home life and the misery of my mother and stressed by increasing demands from a totally online Master of Public Health program. I’m trying to roll with it, enjoy it. I was very good
-
I’ve completed nearly a week of grad school. The program is public health and is accelerated. So far it has been research practice, reading and writing. I’ve spent time scouring scholarly journals as I have total access to all of them. I’ve taken part in class discussions – conducted online of course – and I’m
-
I’m trying so hard to psych myself up. To get excited at the prospect of using my brain. Of not letting it go to rot. Of doing something that isn’t being a glorified chambermaid. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. I did a lot of therapy and so much thinking over the job I
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 