depression
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An elopement risk sign was added to the outside of the main doors because of my sleepwalking and attempts to get out, futile as they were. I was directed back to bed twice in the night but the second time Jake woke me up in the hall, pushing my shoulder and jumping back in case…
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I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some…
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I was sleepwalking every night. But Sunday morning came after I woke in the hall again, startled and confused. Jake took me back to my room and encouraged me to sleep the remaining two hours till vitals. I didn’t think I could but woke up when he came in with the vitals machine and my…
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Pages from the journal I maintained in a desperate bid to hold onto sanity.
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Saturday morning, I took a long overdue shower right after vitals. I wasn’t even allowed to brush my teeth without supervision, and this was no different, but they sat in the room to give me as much privacy as possible. I sat on the floor of the shower, water getting all over the bathroom floor…
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Friday night dragged on, a nurse or MHT in my room to check me every 5 minutes. Looking into my eyes, saying my name. Writing something on their clipboard. I laid there, staring at the ceiling, waiting for that black hole to swallow me up. I remember lying awake and unable to move for most…
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I will just lay here and die. That is the last thing I thought as I was put into my suicide blanket after being forced to put on the suicide smock. I will just lay here and wait to die. “Five minute room checks while awake, 15 minute room checks while asleep, and we sweep…
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“How are you feeling, Angel?” “Shitty. I want to die.” “Are you still thinking of suicide?” “All the time.” “Do you feel safe in the hospital?” The morning of my assessment, the next day on a Thursday. The very nurse who took my bedding and shower curtain was conducting it, and it was curiously early.…
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 