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My mood is so intensely labile. I spend nights at work cracking bad jokes, riffing on everyone around me and generally being quite ornery. I spend days often staring into space, at the wall, or overcome with sadness. But at least that’s better than doomscrolling, right? I swing like a pendulum and I have to…
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Sometimes all I feel is dragging ennui. A thousand memories, fighting for space as though trapped in a compressor. I have terrible memories and I remember everything. It’s not photographic, it’s just graphic. I remember so much, and sometimes my mind just won’t shut up. I scream at them, please! I’m not that person anymore!…
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I missed work last night, and I am upset with myself. I had one goal, one measly goal, and I got sick and missed work. I get migraines sometimes. They come on like normal headaches, but they make me feel sick to my stomach. I immediately tried to fight it off – I took ibuprofen,…
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A polar vortex is moving through Washington, specifically, Eastern Washington and Idaho. It has been so bitterly cold, down to 1 or 2 degrees Fahrenheit. I constantly worry about the pipes freezing at either of my two properties when the weather gets this absurdly cold. I sound like a broken record reminding my tenants to…
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My patient is not getting better, he regressed tonight. They had taken him out of restraints and tried to keep him that way. They had also removed the foley catheter. When I got here, he peed everywhere and was trying to get out of bed. He got aggressive and even tried to hit me, but…
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Last week, my formerly catatonic patient was barely able to stay in bed through the night. This week, I was dismayed to see he was put in soft restraints to keep him in bed. A person in restraints is a lot of care. I remember this from when I was put in hard restraints in…
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Well, it’s done. I got the sex change form notarized, filled out the mail order form, made a money order for 25 bucks, made a copy of my name change document from 2008, and mailed it all to the department of health statistics. I should be grateful I’m even able to do this under current…
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Defending Women From Gender Ideology Extremism And Restoring Biological Truth To The Federal Government – The White House This was in my email today. I’ve been written out of existence. I honestly can’t remember what my employee records say. Something’s up with the eOPF government employee records site. They should say male but it’s possible…
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I just got in a terrible fight with my mother. I was a dick, yes. I don’t even know where else to start. I hate her passive aggressive victim complex. I called her out on it, called her out on the way she talks about my house – my only accomplishment in life it feels…
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I have agonized over this post, and how to write it, since I started the blog back in August (2024). It never seemed relevant. I hoped it wouldn’t be relevant. But if I can’t discuss it here, I might as well stop writing. I’m a trans man. I was born female. I served in the…
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Documenting my journey through the mental health system 