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Pages from the journal I maintained in a desperate bid to hold onto sanity.
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Saturday morning, I took a long overdue shower right after vitals. I wasn’t even allowed to brush my teeth without supervision, and this was no different, but they sat in the room to give me as much privacy as possible. I sat on the floor of the shower, water getting all over the bathroom floor…
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Friday night dragged on, a nurse or MHT in my room to check me every 5 minutes. Looking into my eyes, saying my name. Writing something on their clipboard. I laid there, staring at the ceiling, waiting for that black hole to swallow me up. I remember lying awake and unable to move for most…
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I told my psychiatrist at my Friday appointment about some of the voices I’ve been hearing. Jack tells me to kill myself. Jackie shows me the 10 dimensions and what they mean. She says not everyone travels to dimension 10. There are beings and entities in all dimensions. We exist in the 3rd – height,…
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I will just lay here and die. That is the last thing I thought as I was put into my suicide blanket after being forced to put on the suicide smock. I will just lay here and wait to die. “Five minute room checks while awake, 15 minute room checks while asleep, and we sweep…
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“How are you feeling, Angel?” “Shitty. I want to die.” “Are you still thinking of suicide?” “All the time.” “Do you feel safe in the hospital?” The morning of my assessment, the next day on a Thursday. The very nurse who took my bedding and shower curtain was conducting it, and it was curiously early.…
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Monday came, and as the MHT came to take my vitals, I woke groggy and lightheaded from the meds I was given for sleep, namely Zyprexa. I took a shower for the first time in a few days, and this took monumental effort. I didn’t go to breakfast but there was coffee. Everything is so…
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I exist in a sort of dreamland as a result, I think, of a heavy med load. I have distressing flashbacks of struggling mightily in restraints just a month ago in the hospital psychiatric ER. Of them trying to calm me but I screamed and cried, begging them to let me go, I don’t belong…
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 