triggers
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I am so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I woke up late and had to rush to work late. I barely got a cup of coffee in me! Haven’t slept much, or eaten much, in several days. I think I will sleep okay today. With meds. There is one nurse that falls…
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I talked to my testosterone prescriber the other day. Point blank told her they’re phasing out gender-affirming care, I want to stockpile my testosterone. This means I’d have to switch back to vials. She pointed out the same thing I noticed in the official memo, which was that current patients receiving the care will continue…
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At work at Sacred Heart – and flashbacks are not so terrible as they were. When I drove by the mental hospital, I was able to keep breathing and eventually slow my heart. When I saw all the ambulances in the ER bay, I looked away and kept moving. When I got up to the…
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More psych patients – on a nephrology floor. He tried to hang myself, like I tried to do ten years ago. Family found him, he was intubated, and then extubated, and is waiting on being medically cleared to the psych unit. He’s a 1:1 for safety. I’ve noticed my new coworkers don’t make me sit…
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As I sit with a schizophrenic patient in the same locking restraints in which I found myself not that long ago, I feel a tiredness I haven’t felt in a long time. To be sure, I didn’t think I could do this, I really didn’t. I’m still not sure how I am, other than white…
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Sometimes all I feel is dragging ennui. A thousand memories, fighting for space as though trapped in a compressor. I have terrible memories and I remember everything. It’s not photographic, it’s just graphic. I remember so much, and sometimes my mind just won’t shut up. I scream at them, please! I’m not that person anymore!…
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This is so fucked up. It is happening all over again. I’m trying to face and accept the fact it’s going to keep happening. I have another patient in restraints and this time I had to help restrain him. I did everything I could to avoid it. For five hours I tried redirection, distraction, calming…
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There is little I can do about my reasonable accommodation request over the weekend, but I do have a phone number to call, or I can try to navigate their portal from a work computer. I figure I’ll just call them and expedite it, because I’ve already worked the floor once. I’ve been doing this…
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 