trauma
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There is a construction zone around 4th avenue, and I must detour on my way to work. The mental hospital is on my route to work, so now instead of driving by it, I drive with it looming in front of me. I don’t know that I will ever get over it. I have a
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My heart constricts in my chest, and my breath shortens as I go through triggers in the environment. I perseverate on memories and traumas, and my body goes through it all over again. I’m so frustrated at what feels like a never-ending battle. I’m not supposed to fight it but comfort the painful feelings and
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I’ve been reading a book popular in psychology circles and recommended to me by numerous doctors and therapists. The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk. It’s thick and complicated and right up my alley. Triggering, too. He’s talking about the patients in psych wards and hospitals in which he’s worked. Talking about
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Jesus Christ the flashbacks…I am lost in my head so often. Stuck in memories, stuck in the past. The juxtaposition of bipolar with PTSD is painful and aggravating and weird. A doctor found that this PTSD profoundly affects my life. Pile on a manic or depressive episode and I’m suddenly dealing with intrusive thoughts and
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A polar vortex is moving through Washington, specifically, Eastern Washington and Idaho. It has been so bitterly cold, down to 1 or 2 degrees Fahrenheit. I constantly worry about the pipes freezing at either of my two properties when the weather gets this absurdly cold. I sound like a broken record reminding my tenants to
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This is so fucked up. It is happening all over again. I’m trying to face and accept the fact it’s going to keep happening. I have another patient in restraints and this time I had to help restrain him. I did everything I could to avoid it. For five hours I tried redirection, distraction, calming
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I have not been to my house to see my mom. Or the store for more lemonade. I haven’t picked up the rent from one of my tenants. They even called to see if I was okay. Yes, I said…just catching up with things and getting adjusted to a new schedule and feeling rather unmotivated
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I called back my new unit manager, Jana. She talked to me about the somewhat long process to get a reasonable accommodation, and that in the meantime, it was quite likely there would be patients in restraints and since they’re short staffed, I might be the only aide on the floor. That is the case
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I could not sleep today. I take the meds, I make a bedtime ritual, I try hot showers and meditation and even masturbation but today I could not sleep. When I finally did, I had terrible dreams. I take a medication, prazosin, for bad dreams but it can only do so much. Pills only pack
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I started to write. Frantic, hurried writing, as though my memory had an expiration date and it was fast approaching. As though I were making up for lost time. And in a way, I was. A few days into my detainment, psych ward staff gave me a notebook to use as a journal. I wrote
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 