mental illness
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Every time I drive to work, I have to drive by the mental hospital. In the beginning, this was a major trigger for me and required I sit for a minute and let the panic dissipate before heading in. So many flashbacks and so much anxiety. Now I drive by and try to reframe it…
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Have I bit off more than I can chew? Honestly…probably. I’m working two jobs. I run a rental property. I’m trying to take care of and slowly restore a house. I support my mother. And my manic ass applied to grad school when I got out of the hospital and I got accepted. I start…
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I can’t slow down my mind. The anxiety is absolutely palpable. The light fixture is installed and my desk moved into place. My mother bitched about the flooring restoration and all kinds of other things while I was there the last few days. I try to let it roll off me but the truth is,…
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Death is on my mind lately. I am surrounded by it. It walks the halls of my hospitals, and I swear I can see the reaper the moment a patient dies. I’ve had two patients die on me this week. I have another circling the drain, but he’s a full code and the family won’t…
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There are some things worse than death. I witness it every night at work and probably get a little secondhand trauma from seeing some of the horrible shit people go through. Dementia and acute delirium is a case in point. Gone are the things that made you who you were. You are a human shell;…
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What is it about the labile mood? And how does it affect my bipolar disorder and its manic highs and lows? Sometimes this labile mood presents with intensity and is distressing. It’s almost a daily oscillation when I miss a dose of my mood stabilizer or there are triggers in the environment. It’s not the…
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The book is now live, under paperback and hardback formats only (not kindle, yet). Here is a link: In the Darkness of Hope I’m negotiating a lower price with the publisher and Amazon; I would not charge 25 for a paperback. It is the cost of printing, but there are ways to reduce it down…
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My book – the first 120 or so posts in this blog – is under Amazon’s required three-day review before being posted as available. Here is the book cover, front and back: I have second guessed myself, edited over and over, and still kept finding things to improve or change. That could go on forever.…
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My flat affect continues. People think I’m depressed but I don’t really feel depressed. Maybe a little stressed out. If there are feelings to feel, my Sacred Heart job certainly makes me feel them. So many triggers which still, maddeningly, push my limits and make me question all my life choices. I like healthcare, I…
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I am about to take my meds. For days I have been neither depressed nor happy. I am going through the motions, doing the things I need to do. I have to talk to people sometimes. I take care of the patients. I had a specialist look at my floor. The bright blues I painted…
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 