mental health
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I have not been to my house to see my mom. Or the store for more lemonade. I haven’t picked up the rent from one of my tenants. They even called to see if I was okay. Yes, I said…just catching up with things and getting adjusted to a new schedule and feeling rather unmotivated…
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For now, my “journey” through both civilian and veteran mental health systems is at the maintenance phase. I have graduated IOP as of the end of the year. I could have done more time and the VA likely would have paid for it, but I felt ready, and I also liked how it closed out…
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A bittersweet day. I finished my episode of care with Dr Black and after that, went to my last day of IOP, where I graduated silently. I have all kinds of mixed emotions. At least I am feeling again, at least somewhat. I feel a nervous sense of trepidation, like a kid learning to ride…
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Maybe dissociation can come in handy. Maybe my lack of feeling will have to be a tool. This job is exposing me to the good, bad, and ugly of our society and my city specifically. Med/surg is fast-paced and dynamic. And I question all my life choices that brought me here. I always wanted to…
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My feelings wheel is a guide to help me figure out what I’m feeling. Sometimes I just can’t tell. The feelings wheel is not giving me much guidance today. I cannot tell what I feel. Nothing, there is nothing. The mood stabilizer is likely making me flat and blank. I am having flashbacks and stare…
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Dialectical behavior therapy – two things can be true at once. I am dreading moving back home because my mother is very hard to live with, yet I also somehow am excited to get back and take control. I often have conflicting thoughts, confusion about who I am. This is a borderline trait. I am…
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On Friday morning last week, I finally had to demonstrate my competency so they could check me off and fill the hospital and legal requirement to be competent in quick release knots for restraints. I had a couple days to mentally prepare. I came to the office of the unit manager, and there she was,…
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I had a couple days off, but my weekend was rough. I started getting a headache Friday afternoon which morphed into a migraine later. I took Advil and Ativan, knowing it was probably from lack of sleep – I had worked the night before and had not been to bed yet. I always puke when…
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During IOP process hour yesterday morning, I was more forthcoming about my difficulty with depersonalization and dissociation. I go back in time to painful memories, past traumas, the things that give me PTSD and sometimes keep me up at night. I’ve tried to use the coping skills I’ve learned to get through it – grounding,…
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The core of it, the core of so much suffering, aggravation, anxiety, and despair, is the inner critic – that voice inside that tells you how stupid and ugly and unlikable you are, how you never get anything right, how you’ll always be a failure. It’s a shadow that follows you around, no one can…
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 