flashbacks
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From Sunday to Tuesday, I slept two hours. This was shocking to the group in IOP on Monday. Today I finally got some real sleep but only after a couple hours of laying there, my mind going a million miles an hour. I was so tired, sleepy even, working myself to exhaustion and intentionally staying…
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I had to duck out of IOP early today – my lack of a need for sleep finally seemed to be catching up with me. I worked two extra shifts Friday and Saturday nights, trying to expend the energy in a productive manner, and only slept a few hours Sunday before coming back in for…
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My god, the flashbacks. I’m having so much PTSD right now. Have been for hours. I just go right back there, back in restraints, back in the manic panic, back in the fear and anger. I can feel the heavy, sick grogginess of chemical restraint. I wish I could move past this but sometimes I…
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I’m trying not to live in the past. I know I bring it up a lot, these flashbacks. I can’t help it. The memories are powerful and paralyzing. 10 years ago…even those memories are powerful and immobilizing. I’m not sure how to move on. I got out two months ago and sometimes it’s like it…
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Flashbacks are strong today. I can still feel the police grabbing me, pulling me out of my apartment and I can still feel the panic I felt in the ER, the overwhelming desire to run, and doing so. I can still feel the straps around my wrists and ankles when they strapped me down. It’s…
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Sometimes the dissociation gets so bad I can’t move much or talk or otherwise do anything. Today has been one of those days. I cut back on my drinking, but not today. I spent last night on my back, amongst my new weighted blanket (more on that in a minute) sucked into flashbacks and strange…
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I exist in a sort of dreamland as a result, I think, of a heavy med load. I have distressing flashbacks of struggling mightily in restraints just a month ago in the hospital psychiatric ER. Of them trying to calm me but I screamed and cried, begging them to let me go, I don’t belong…
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 