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A year ago today, the cops hauled me out of my apartment, and I was locked up in a mental hospital for a couple weeks. To this day, I still have flashbacks, a lot of anxiety around it, shame around it. I left that apartment and have moved back into my house. Living with my…
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Two weeks complete of grad school. This morning I was nearly in tears, overwhelmed at all of it. Overwhelmed at my home life and the misery of my mother and stressed by increasing demands from a totally online Master of Public Health program. I’m trying to roll with it, enjoy it. I was very good…
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I’ve completed nearly a week of grad school. The program is public health and is accelerated. So far it has been research practice, reading and writing. I’ve spent time scouring scholarly journals as I have total access to all of them. I’ve taken part in class discussions – conducted online of course – and I’m…
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I’m trying so hard to psych myself up. To get excited at the prospect of using my brain. Of not letting it go to rot. Of doing something that isn’t being a glorified chambermaid. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. I did a lot of therapy and so much thinking over the job I…
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I called Dr Black a couple times this week but did not get through and I didn’t leave a message, I always feel stupid when I do. Finally, yesterday I decided to leave a message if she didn’t answer and she didn’t so I rambled into the phone to call me back when she could…
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What a painful night. For some reason, nightmares during the day. At work I’m exhausted and surrounded by screaming patients, patients in restraints, staff who need too much from me, and haunted by memories. I’ve tried to focus on work, to distract, anything. The memories come unbidden, untriggered, and then they are exacerbated by that…
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A lot of firsts this week. A first week at work back at my house. A first night back at Sacred Heart with a new commute. I drove by the mental hospital as there is no avoiding it and forced myself not to look. Every time, I have to force myself not to look. It’s…
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Slowly and methodically, I’m going through my small house and clearing a lot of things out, and cleaning a lot. My mother is not as clean as she thinks she is so it’s been a whole spring cleaning style endeavor. I enjoy it, I can meditate while I do chores and look after the seven…
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I moved back into my house Thursday. My mother cancelled the BBQ she was planning because I was moving in. This heavily disappointed my brother as it was also his birthday. I started first thing in the morning, and I was done, movers were gone, by 2pm. I don’t understand why she cancelled. Other than…
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I have a crazy week in store. Tomorrow is the last normal day in my sweet downtown apartment. I’m calling the school because I have questions about my classes and I’ll probably do my laundry. Then I sleep before work and on Wednesday morning I meet the movers who will do a quick inventory –…
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Documenting my journey through the mental health system 