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I can hardly believe it, but I am nearly half completed with IOP. That comes with a lot of feelings – I’m worried I have not learned and properly incorporated the material enough or as well as the others, and I’m scared at the thought of being cut loose. I have to do this, I…
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I am exhausted! But I am also damn good at what I do. I didn’t mean to be, it just happened organically. I’ve been at my local VA hospital as a lowly CNA for ten years, with the help of supported employment and a case manager. I started working for an agency back in January…
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Opposite of emotion – when feeling distressing emotions, practice a behavior that is opposite to that emotion or feeling. When depressed, force yourself to distract, go for a walk, listen to music, talk to someone (damn near impossible for me but I’m working on it). That was today’s IOP DBT skill. I felt overwhelmed in…
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IOP was so hard. I am overwhelmed. I question my ability to do this. I question any of it will work. I became slightly overwhelmed with emotion and couldn’t quite articulate how I was feeling. I was starting to open up a little bit more (it’s extremely difficult for me to be vulnerable with a…
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Hypomania continues unabated. I have to work hard to avoid rash decisions or avoid decisions altogether. I have to try and remember to have safe sex. I have to avoid spending money. I don’t really trust myself. With heavy medication, I managed 5 hours of sleep today. That’s pretty good for me. IOP tomorrow and…
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My god, the flashbacks. I’m having so much PTSD right now. Have been for hours. I just go right back there, back in restraints, back in the manic panic, back in the fear and anger. I can feel the heavy, sick grogginess of chemical restraint. I wish I could move past this but sometimes I…
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As I cling desperately to sanity and basic functioning, I remind myself daily of the coping skills I’m trying to incorporate into my life, something with which I’ve always struggled. It’s like the moment I need them, they fly right out of my head and I don’t know what to do. This is what I…
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Emotion regulation continued – in DBT therapy, attending to relationships fosters improved emotion regulation. This relates to last week’s emotion regulation core concept – building positive experiences. The therapist talked about the two extremes – the dialectical opposites – in DBT. There’s being too open, no boundaries, and then the other end, rigid boundaries, isolationist…
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A person with strong suicidal ideation reached out to me. I too have passive suicidal ideation so I feel there is little I can say. Here is what I said: I just got out of the mental hospital. I tried killing myself in it. They made me wear an anti-suicide smock, took my bedding and…
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There is a kind of sadness that comes from knowing too much, from seeing the world as it truly is. It is the sadness of understanding that life is not a grand adventure, but a series of small, insignificant moments; that love is not a fairy tale, but a fragile, fleeting emotion; that happiness is…
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 